Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
we're so committed to being not committed
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
