are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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