If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
