my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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