My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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