I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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