omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
