god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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