I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I was not drunk enough for that final.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
