you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
