I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
