I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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