You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Sober January is a disaster.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
