the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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