all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize