Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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