I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
