I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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