I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
