but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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