if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
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Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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