I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
