If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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