Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
