I have demons in me.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
