I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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