if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
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Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
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Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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