As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
