well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
