My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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