ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
