everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
