oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
worst night to have a conscience
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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