I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
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