I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
