Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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