My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Do you still have your period?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
