She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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