you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
