you mean i was at the winter classic?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
