why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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