She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
