Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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