I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
