please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
