Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
