I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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