I feel like abortions should bother me more
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
