you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
