Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
