There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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