My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
