how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
