no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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