u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
We left the knife in your bed.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
