Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
