i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
